Q: So Miriam, How have you been?
A: I’m doing fine. Our parents have been doing fine. They’re still alive. They want you to call more.
Q: Can you discuss the unusual spikes in price that occurred in the mid-Fall quarter of the candy market.
A: It’s referred to as the All Hallow’s eve effect. Our market analysts have been unable to explain why it occurs only that it is a constant trend in late October, in which suburban candy demand skyrockets as a result of costumed marauders threatening locals with a war chant of “Trick or Treat”. The demand here is really one for security.
Q: Can you describe these costumed marauders?
A: They seem to wear a wide variety of costumes making it unable to track their origin. Costumes tend to focus around figures in popular culture or more traditionally horror themed. Some of them seem to be nonthreatening, but since there is no way to know where they come from, no one is willing to take the risk. They seem to be attracted to pumpkins like moths to a light, and some have had success at deterring gangs by merely turning their house lights off.
Q: How does this affect your candy trading?
A: Honestly, it gives us a big boost. This period is consistently a bull market as most candy firms tend to raise their prices to adjust for the newfound utility of candy, crime deterrence. Many insurance companies also subsidize candy buying in order to prevent having to pay for property damages.
Q: This season have there been any particular trends that you noticed.
A: There are a few industry standards such as the consistent success that candies like Kit-Kats and Snickers have, but this year we were willing to take a risk and invest in Almond Joy.
Q: Has anything come of that?
A: I can’t reveal too much information, but it appears to have been somewhat of a bubble as a majority of the stock that we accumulated inexplicably disappeared after the bag was left open near Dad’s desk.
Q: Other than that how profitable have you been this year?
A: We’re weighing in at about 1500g of sugar, up from our down round last quarter.
Q: Where is the market going as you see it?
A: Two words. Fun Size.
Q: Is there any advice that you have for prospective candybrokers?
A: You really need to know the products you’re working with. You can’t make in this business without getting your hands sticky. And you have to be prepared just because you’re on a sugar high doesn’t mean the sugar crash isn’t coming soon.
Credit to David Shera for the idea.
In case you didn’t realize by now, this is satire.
Thank you for this.